Nice guys end up being frustrated, wondering what in the heck they’re doing wrong to continue this cycle and end up sad, and alone. They often feel used in their relationships and don’t have the first clue to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. You also might continue to find yourself in one-sided relationships. You know the type, right? Somehow always attracting withdrawn, emotionally unavailable women, with more baggage than an airline, who you see yourself as trying to rescue, because they need you, and you’re, (wait for it) “the only one who can save them”. SMH. Sound familiar? Or maybe you live a double life. At your job or out in the public you command respect because you walk with confidence and speak with assertiveness. But at home? Nice guy 100%!
Nice guys will avoid conflict and try to “keep the peace” at all costs. They constantly give without getting back, and consequently, will exhaust themselves in the process. Sometimes you might do things for others out of obligation instead of meeting your own wants and needs. Your answer then is to wear a happy face even if you’re really upset inside.
Basically, you may be dependent on others for validation, turning yourself into who and what you think others want. All for the sake of trying to boost your own validation and self-worth. You often feel sensitive to the feelings of others (which is not always a bad thing), but unfortunately, you’re easily hurt by their criticisms of you. I can help you figure out how to prioritize and communicate your needs, worrying less about what others think of you.
How in the world did you start people-pleasing? You’re not broken, or weird, you probably learned these habits while growing up. You may have created an unconscienced belief system that you internalized, that you were underserving of a healthy relationship, with a healthy partner, who loves, adores, and respects you. You might even believe that your relationships or the partners you date won’t like you unless you’re constantly pleasing them, working for their affection.
You might even feel hopeless, thinking that this is just who you are. The reality is that this is not the case at all, no matter how true these beliefs may feel. People-pleasing isn’t a disease that you’re doomed to experience for the rest of your life.
With the help of an understanding, experienced guy’s therapist who has been in similar circumstances, you can get back to your old self, stronger and more in control. You can and will conquer this habit.
Negative beliefs about oneself are common for people pleasers. You will learn how to build a positive self-concept, improving your skills to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs to others.
You’ll begin to see how you won’t earn the respect of others by always catering to them. In our sessions, I will coach you to learn how to validate yourself. People will begin to be attracted to you because they will see and feel that you actually like yourself. Consequently, those friends that continue to expect your old people-pleasing behavior may fall out of your life.
You will learn to put away your passive-aggressive strategies, and begin expressing yourself, about everything, without fear of rejection. We’ll work together developing that inner voice, break down roadblocks to healthy communication, and focus on finally releasing the tensions and anxieties that you have been stuffing away for years. Soon you will notice that you are confronting people with more ease and assurance. With your new-found confidence you will notice that you are standing up for yourself with healthier assertiveness. More importantly, you will learn how to say “no” to others with confidence and not feel that you’re somehow letting them down.
We will work towards reducing any anxiety and depression which is often linked to people-pleasing. We’ll also uncover how you shut down your own needs and feelings, learning instead to communicate these things without disregarding them, pushing others away in the process.
Believe me when I say I know how to help “nice guys,” because I’m a recovering nice guy myself. I used to be just like you. I know what it’s like to have pushed aside my own needs and allowed myself to crumble to the pressure of others’ needs just so I could be loved by everybody. The good news is that being a nice guy works great in the short term! That bad news, I can tell you from personal and professional experience that in the long term, you become a shell of who you used to be. Finally, through the counseling and coaching, I learned how to get my needs met, became more assertive, and stopped worrying what the hell others thought of me. So liberating! I’d like to help you do that for yourself. If you think you’re ready. If you believe you’re up to the challenge.
Through counseling and coaching, I have helped many guys stand up for themselves, exhibit healthy assertiveness without about being a douche (you know the type I’m talking about), and defeat their self-sabotaging, paralyzing people-pleasing habits for good. They’ve demolished their patterns of toxic relationships and replaced them with healthier, more proactive ones.
I get excited about seeing the process where nice guys start making these needed changes so they can live their best, most authentic lives. I want to see you succeed and develop yourself. I encourage you. Take that first step in eliminating the nice guy inside of you through counseling and coaching.
“I’ve never gone to a therapist before. Will it really work for me?”
Counseling and coaching for nice guys can help work through issues you may ignored for years. It can help you break patterns of unhealthy relationships, always attracting partners who haven’t been right for you. Your consistency and effort will often lead to considerable changes and significant outcomes positively improving the rest of your life.
“Counseling looks like it might be too much for my wallet. I’m not exactly sure it will be worth the money for me.”
Counseling and coaching are an investment in yourself. If you’ve been a nice guy for some or most of your life, it’s possible you might be overwhelmed with the process, not wanting to spend money on something that you think might not help you. Maybe ask yourself if you can afford to maintain this current pace of life you unknowingly created, without working the issues that continue to keep you from creating the life you deserve.
You may be surprised at the doors that begin to open for you once you start working on your “nice” issues. Some of my former clients who were nice guys, state that they’ve gotten raises or promotions at work once they’ve learned to become more assertive and authentic. In many ways, counseling and coaching pays for itself. Some men have said they can now give themselves permission to finally find the healthy and happy relationship they’ve been longing for their entire lives. My number one priority is focusing on positive outcomes for you. As a team we will work together, ensuring you’re getting the best return of the investment in yourself and future.
“I worry that if become more assertive, it might end my relationship”
I think your question has merit. Going to counseling means we have the potential to make great strides in our personal growth as we start to live our lives more authentically. This in turn also means we are becoming more assertive and more confident in our ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs. Yet sometimes that kind of growth can make others, including our loved ones and partners, uncomfortable. Therefore, I have an open invitation for my clients to invite their partners to occasionally attend counseling sessions with my client, at my client’s discretion of course. Having partners attend a client’s session periodically helps everyone to get on the same page. So, instead of my client’s personal growth becoming an obstacle for the relationship, it now becomes a major benefit, resulting in the exponential growth of two people instead of just one.
If you have more questions, call me at 336-423-7697 or contact me here to schedule a free consultation.